


A Weight Off The Chest

by nathans_tales



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Trans Inquisitor, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 09:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathans_tales/pseuds/nathans_tales
Summary: Caden Lavellan and Josephine reunite after the duel, but it doesn't go as expected. Caden has a lot of explaining to do, and Josephine has a lot to learn.





	A Weight Off The Chest

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoy this fic! If you want to see what my inquisitor looks like, here's the link to his character tag on my tumblr: http://tinyurl.com/CadenLavellan  
> I've put a lot of work and love into this fic, please let me know if you like it!

The sharp sound of rapiers striking rang throughout Val Royeaux’s main courtyard. Excited gasps and hushed chatter rippled across the crowd that surrounded the dueling Lord Otronto and Caden Lavellan.

“I’m glad Lady Montilyet isn’t here, exquisite as I’ve heard her appearance to be,” Otronto jeered. Caden felt disgust rise like bile in his throat; the thought of this man being anywhere near Josephine terrified him. He hadn’t understood the depths of his own happiness until he met Josephine. If he lost her, especially to a man she didn’t love… the thought made his chest tighten, as if threatening suffocation. Otronto advanced toward Caden, thrusting his rapier outwards, nearly slicing the Inquisitor’s chest. As Caden stumbled backwards, Otronto followed with his sword extended while Caden did his best to deflect the advances. Otronto lurched forward, and Caden blocked the blow, locking their swords in opposition with their faces only inches apart.

“Cutting you down in front of Josephine would’ve given a poor first impression of House Otronto to my bride,” Otronto said, acrimony written across his face. Caden, not usually one for blatant anger, resisted the urge to slam Otronto onto the cobblestone.

_Mythal, give me the strength to win this. Allow me forgiveness for going behind Josephine's back,_ he prayed.

“Josephine doesn’t want this engagement. Call it off!” Caden growled before Otronto shoved him backwards.

“To what purpose? You can’t think I’d––”

Suddenly, a familiar voice shouted from the crowd, “ _Stop!_ ”

Josephine broke free from the crowd, pushing two bystanders aside in her rush to Caden. Both men turned towards her, caught off guard.

“Josephine!” Caden exclaimed. He knew this looked bad. She walked with conviction,  
eyes locked on the Inquisitor. Caden could feel a lump form in his throat; Josephine was _furious_. Her eyes burned with a rage that he had never before witnessed. He took a step back and lowered his weapon.

“Lady Montilyet, what a pleasure to––” Lord Otronto attempted a greeting, but it fell on deaf ears as Josephine stormed past him.

“What are you _doing_?” Josephine asked Caden, her voice thick with ire. He opened his mouth to speak, but any attempt at an excuse caught in his throat.

“If I duel Otronto to stop your betrothal, any dishonor falls on me — not your family,” he managed. Josephine shook her head, clearly not satisfied.

“I would’ve found a way around it,” she countered, turning away from him. “The Inquisition needs you. _I_ need you! Yet you throw yourself into danger!” Josephine’s voice broke as she spoke, and when she turned back to face him, Caden could see tears brimming in her eyes. “Why do this? Why risk everything we’ve built? Why risk your _life_?” She asked, desperate for an explanation.

Before he realized what he was doing, Caden stepped towards Josephine and exclaimed, “Because I love you!” His entire body was shaking—from adrenaline or the fear of losing Josephine, he wasn’t sure. He was certain that only the gods held him upright, as his knees began to feel as unsteady as the Waking Sea.

Josephine suddenly stood straighter, the blaring questions in her mind going silent. “You… you do?” she asked, unable to mask the incredulity and hope in her tone.

“He does?” Otronto asked, in complete disbelief. This duel was not at all turning out the way he had anticipated.

Caden’s rapier clattered as it fell onto the cobblestone. “Yes, Josephine. I love you so much. I love you more than I can say.”

Josephine allowed herself a soft smile, and gave Caden the response he was waiting to hear: “I love you, too.”

She ran to Caden, nearly throwing herself into his arms. She suppressed a giggle as he grabbed her waist and lifted her into the air, spinning her around. Josephine heard the crowd gasp and knew that this was an offense against any proper etiquette expected of an ambassador. Yet she was shocked to notice that she didn’t care. She felt like one of the princesses in the fairytales her mother would read to her before bed. As Josephine’s feet touched the cobbletones, she continued to surprise herself; she tightened her grip on the elf’s shoulders and pulled him into a kiss.

When Josephine pulled away, Caden’s breath caught in his throat. She looked at him with delight, traced by touches of uncertainty— as if she couldn’t quite bring herself to believe that he loved her.

“Well fought,” Otronto conceded, lifting his sword.

Josephine released Caden from her arms, allowing them both to turn to face Otronto.  
Josephine stepped between the elf and the noble, uncertain as to how an Antivan noble would react to the complete disregard of duel etiquette that she and the Inquisitor had shown.

“Lord Otronto—” she began.

“I assumed your liaison with the Inquisitor was an affair of passion or convenience, Lady Montilyet. But I’m not fool enough to stand in the way of true affection. The Otrontos regretfully withdraw the terms of our betrothal,” Otronto said with a light-hearted smile.

“Thank you,” Josephine replied with honest gratitude.

“Do not thank me. I know when I’m outmatched,” Otronto said with a bow and turned to leave the courtyard.

Josephine turned back to Caden, taking his hands in her own. Before she could further scold him for going behind her back to duel Otronto, he spoke.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about arranging the duel.”

Josephine sighed, looking Caden over to see if he had sustained any injuries. She was satisfied to see that he was unharmed.

“Given that you’re in one piece, body and dignity, I forgive you,” she reassured him.

Caden grinned, unable to resist poking some fun at their situation, “I can’t imagine a better ending. But wouldn’t you be impressed with a dueling scar?”

Josephine laughed. “My dearest Lord, I love you _precisely_ the way you are. Just do kiss me again.”

Caden didn’t hesitate; he wrapped his arms around Josephine and pulled her to him. He kissed her deeply, eager to show her just how much he’d missed her during the time of her unfortunate betrothal.

* * *

Caden gave a final pat to his steed’s hindquarters before exiting the stable.

“Thanks again for letting me ride her to the port, Dennet. She’s a good horse.”

“Aye, it was my pleasure, Inquisitor. I’m glad we could assist you in your endevour to win back Lady Montilyet,” Dennet replied. Caden smiled and headed up towards the main tower.

As he walked through the courtyard, he heard a hearty commotion coming from the Herald’s Rest.

“Care to join us for drinks, boss?” asked a gruff voice behind him. He turned to see the Iron Bull, who was holding an oversized mug filled with a questionable liquid.

“You do seem to be having quite the party in there, Bull! What for?” Caden asked, eyeing the beverage skeptically. He knew, from their first dragon slaying, what kind of throat-burning liquid was likely sloshing over the rim.

“For you, of course! Word spread fast of your victory in Val Royeaux, and half of Skyhold started breaking open casks.”

“Really?”

“Well, I don’t think most of ‘em give two shits whether you won that duel or not, but it’s an excuse to get drunk,” Bull answered with a smirk. “But come on, you’ve earned a good party after that!”

Caden laughed. “Well I’m glad that everyone is partying for me, but perhaps another time. Right now, I need to find Josephine.”

Bull grinned, raising his eyebrows. “Ah, I see. Gotta go spend time with your lady. Have fun,” he teased with a wink. Caden felt his face grow pink, and bid Bull goodnight.

* * *

As Caden reached the top of the stairs leading into his quarters, he was relieved to find the fire burning high with Josephine resting on the couch before it. They hadn’t spent the night together yet, but he had given her his spare key anyways. He wanted her to be able to reach him whenever she needed to. He knew she was aware of his presence when she filled a second glass with wine. Caden stopped by the bed on his way to the couch, removing his armor and securing his daggers between the headboard and nightstand. He quietly walked over and settled next to Josephine, wrapping an arm around her as she laid her head on his shoulder. He took a long sip of wine, finally allowing himself to relax for the first time since he had been informed of her betrothal.

“How are you, _mi amor_?” Josephine asked gently, as she snuggled closer.

“Incredibly tired,” he answered honestly, “but beyond grateful that this whole ordeal is over. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too. I missed spending our nights like this. I can not tell you how sorry I am that any of this happened.” Caden wanted to assure Josephine that she shouldn’t blame herself for the betrothal, but she continued before he could. “I can’t stop thinking about your duel in Val Royeaux. Running into the middle of the crowd, the noise, the swords flashing… I was so worried for you, but at the same time… well, it was the most exciting thing I’ve seen in ages.”

Caden chuckled and took another sip of wine, savoring the ample flavor. Josephine always knew exactly which wine to pick for any occasion; it was one of her many skills.

“I was worried you’d still be angry that I started that duel in the first place,” Caden replied.

“I was only worried for your safety. Your position allows for so little of it,” Josephine sighed, and reached for her own wine glass. “You know, when I first laid eyes on you back at Haven, I hadn’t an inkling we’d become so close.”

Caden thought back to the day he met Josephine. He had woken up in an unfamiliar place, in pain, with Cassandra threatening to kill him. He fought his way through demons and closed a rift, all before he really understood what was happening. Amongst all the chaos, Josephine had been a welcoming light. She had greeted him in his own tongue, and treated him with respect. He had always appreciated her kindness, even before he realized his romantic feelings for her.

“Something suggested you were special the moment I saw you,” he mused.

Josephine hummed softly in response, and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I’m glad it did. These moments seem so dear. Especially given your greater calling. Sometimes I must remind myself that I’m required to share you with the rest of the world.”

“The world may want my time, Josephine, but you have my heart,” he reassured her.

“Then I count myself happy. Beyond compare,” Josephine replied.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself; she hadn’t anticipated such a wonderful thing to come from her time with the Inquisition. When Leliana had approached her about joining the movement, in the event that it would come to fruition, she was perfectly honest about the uncertainty and instability of the entire situation. Josephine joined the Inquisition because she wanted to help Thedas, as well as her long-time friend, not because she was looking for any personal benefit. Regardless of her intentions, the Maker had blessed her with the Inquisitor. She couldn’t find the words to express how grateful she was for him; he provided light in the midst of truly awful happenings.

She raised her head from his shoulder, cupped his cheek, and gently turned his face towards hers. She adored the way the blue of his eyes became warmer as they reflected the firelight. She could usually tell how Caden was feeling through his eyes; he was already an expressive man, but his eyes tended to give away what he didn’t reveal on his own. At that moment, as he reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face, what she saw in his eyes was a reflection of her own heart: pure, complete, unabashed love. She had never truly expected to receive that from anyone; a lifetime of criticisms from her mother as she tried to raise Josephine to be a successful Montilyet heir had left her with a somewhat damaged self image. Yet she saw it all there in Caden’s eyes, and she desperately wanted to show him how much she returned those feelings.

She leaned in and lightly pressed her lips to his. Caden shifted his body towards her, deepening the kiss. His lips were soft against hers, and tasted sweet like wine. Maker's breath, she had missed this so much.

Caden moved a hand to the back of her head, lightly entwining his fingers in her thick black hair. As their kisses became more insistent, he broke away briefly to catch his breath. He took a moment to appreciate the warm tones in Josephine’s face that were illuminated by the fire. She was absolutely glowing, but he considered the fact that he often thought so, regardless of the light surrounding her. As Caden contemplated Josephine’s allure, she took the liberty of tracing kisses down his jawline and neck. He found himself surprised by this; Josephine wasn’t usually so forward when they were intimate. He certainly wasn’t displeased by it, however. Caden closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of her lips against his skin. Suddenly, he felt her hand drop from his shoulder and caress his upper thigh. He felt both excitement and dread fill him all at once, but he tried to keep his breath from catching. He _wanted_ to continue, to make her feel amazing, but he wasn’t sure if he should. He still didn’t know how to explain himself to her, and doubted that he would figure out how in the heat of the moment. Before Caden could sort his thoughts, he felt Josephine’s hand slide further up his thigh and he quickly jerked away before he could stop himself. Josephine immediately removed her hand and pulled away to look at his face, confusion clear across her features.

“I-I apologize. Are you alright?” she asked. Caden stood up swiftly and moved to stand behind the couch. He knew that was a bad move, but his heart was pounding and he wasn’t sure of what else to do. Josephine pulled her hands onto her lap, glancing down at them with shame.

“Uh, yes I’m fine! It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong, I just… uh…,” Caden babbled, his words coming out fast and uncertain, “I’m just really tired from everything that happened today. So I, uh, I think I’m just going to sleep now. If that’s okay.” The words stung as they came out of his mouth, and he couldn’t bear to imagine how they felt to Josephine. They both knew he was making an excuse, but they had different understandings as to why.

“If you don’t want to make love to me, my darling, you can just say so,” Josephine said quietly. She looked up at him, nearly causing his heart to stop; he had never seen her eyes filled with such hurt before, except perhaps after Haven had fallen. She stood up from the couch and turned away from him.

“No, no! It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just—I, uh…” Caden tried to refine his excuse so that it would hurt Josephine less, but he was at a loss for any reasonable explanation. He reached out to Josephine as she walked around the far side of the couch, but she skirted his reach and walked to the stairs.

“It’s okay. I would never force you to do anything you do not wish to,” she nearly whispered, her voice breaking. Before Caden could stop her, she was down the steps and out the door.

As Josephine’s steps faded away, the entire room fell into crushing silence. Caden tried to breathe, yet his throat was tight. He was left standing in the dark, alone.

* * *

Leliana strolled through the main hall, snacking on an apple she had just grabbed from the kitchens. She often missed dinner, if no one dragged her down from the rookery for it. It was so easy to lose track of time while up there. She turned to leave, having gotten what she needed from the kitchens, but paused as she heard a door close up near the Inquisitor’s throne. She swiftly stepped to the edge of the hall, tucking herself into a space untouched by the light of the torches. She assumed it was only a servant milling around, but she still preferred to remain invisible whenever possible. Invisibility allowed her to avoid any unnecessary questions or annoyances.

As Leliana watched the person move closer to her end of the hall, she was surprised to realize it was Josephine. She had known the ambassador had gone to the Inquisitor’s room to wait for him after leaving the Herald’s Rest, but she hadn’t expected to see her again until morning. Why would she leave the Inquisitor’s room, alone, at such a late hour? As Josephine turned towards the door leading up to her own room, she raised a hand to her face and wiped at her cheek. Leliana could feel her grip tighten around the apple as she realized that her friend was crying. Had the Inquisitor harmed her? Leliana hadn’t been joking when she had warned him not to hurt Josephine. She had thought he understood that. She waited a few minutes to follow, not wanting to catch Josephine off guard in the dark stairwell.

When Leliana knocked on Josephine’s door, she heard the other woman clear her throat to quiet the tremors in her voice before calling out, “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Josie. May I come in?” she asked, knowing that Josephine would recognize her voice. For a few moments, there was only silence on the other side of the door. Leliana sighed with relief when she heard the locks unlatch. Josephine opened the door, but turned away and sat on her bed before the spymaster could see her face. Leliana sat beside her friend, gently taking a free hand in her own. They sat in silence for several minutes; Josephine knew she had to explain herself, but she felt too sick with shame to speak. Leliana traced patterns on the back of Josephine’s hand while she waited — spirals, figure-eights, flowing twists and sprawling hearts. The Antivan’s hands were impossibly soft against her own calloused ones; just one result of their contrasting occupations. Finally, Josephine broke the silence.

“How did you know I would be here?” she asked, though she knew Leliana was somehow aware of everything that happened in Skyhold. It was useful for the Inquisition to have a spymaster who was all-knowing, but it occasionally became tiring to have a friend who was impossible to keep secrets from.

“I had just gotten a snack from the kitchens when I saw you leave the Inquisitor’s room. You seemed rather upset,” Leliana answered bluntly. She didn’t feel the need to be vague with Josephine the way she usually did with other people. Their friendship spanned many years and so many secrets had been shared between them. It would be ridiculous, at this point, for Leliana to uphold her mysterious facade in front of Josephine.

“Yes, well… it’s late, and I figured I should get some rest,” Josephine offered, dodging the main point of Leliana’s statement.

“Certainly the Inquisitor’s bed is large enough for you both. I know for a fact that you assigned him the most generous room upon our arrival to Skyhold,” Leliana countered, not willing to play along with her friend’s poor attempt at a diversion. Josephine didn’t respond; she removed her hand from Leliana’s and looked away. She was so exhausted — emotionally, physically — she didn’t have it in her to explain what had happened.

Leliana gently placed a hand on Josephine’s back, and leaned forward to look into her friend’s face. “Josie, please. Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t forceful or demanding; rather, it was soft, pleading. Josephine had never before heard Leliana become so close to begging. “Did the Inquisitor hurt you? Are you okay?” Leliana asked with the same desperation. Josephine was shocked by her question.

“What? No! He would _never_ hurt me,” Josephine stated certainly, then continued after thinking for a moment, “... at least, not in the way you are probably assuming.” Josephine paused for a moment, bracing herself. “I am okay Leliana, I promise. Caden did not — would never — harm me. What happened was really my fault, I can not blame him.”

Josephine stopped, praying that Leliana would accept this unfinished assurance that she was okay and allow her to sort her thoughts in peace. As Leliana silently waited for her to continue, Josephine knew she would never be lucky enough as to be let off so easily.

She continued, with a tired sigh, “Caden and I were discussing the day's events, when things became a little more… intimate. This wasn’t an issue; we’re no strangers to affection. But when I moved to go further than we have previously, he became unsettled and stood up. He told me he was tired… that would have been more believable, had his reaction not been so sudden. I understood that I was not wanted, so I left.”

Leliana was quiet for a moment while she processed this information. “So, you mean to tell me that after two months of being together, you two have not yet slept together?” she asked with a slightly amused grin.

Josephine rolled her eyes. “Leliana, honestly! That’s what you have to say? Well, to be fair, it took me nearly a month and a half of his flirting before I even realized he reciprocated my feelings. Clearly, this relationship has never been a fast-paced one,” she replied, smiling despite herself.

Leliana couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Yes, well, I suppose you have a point there. But tell me; how is his reaction your fault? Given his grand confession of love in Val Royeaux, I don’t blame you for wanting to take that next step.”

“I suppose so, but it was foolish of me to assume that he would reciprocate that desire. Love doesn’t necessarily lead to physical attraction, and I can’t blame him for not finding me appealing. I can’t say I disagree.” Tears brimmed Josephine’s eyes as she spoke.

“What?” Leliana asked incredulously. She was taken aback by what the ambassador was saying; Josephine thought she was unattractive? That made no sense. “Josie, what do you mean? You are gorgeous.”

Josephine dismissed the assurance and continued, her voice breaking. “My mother certainly made it clear that I have never been the most desirable person. ‘You need to lose weight, Josephine. You need to wear more makeup. You should have someone fix that bump in your nose.’ That is what she used to say to me. On occasion, she still does. I’ve always tried to ignore her criticisms, but perhaps I should have listened.”

Leliana felt her chest constrict, aching deeply as she listened to Josephine tear herself down. She wrapped an arm around the ambassador’s waist and gently, but firmly, turned her face towards her own. “Josie, look at me,” Leliana whispered, but the other woman averted her eyes. “Josephine.” Finally, the ambassador met her steady gaze. “Josephine Montilyet, you are utterly breathtaking. I’ve never understood how, but you have the ability to light up any room you enter; not only from your exquisite appearance, but from your glowing presence. You may not notice the adoring looks you receive from friends and strangers alike, but I do. I can assure you that the belief that you are anything other than beautiful is simply unfounded. If the Inquisitor can’t see that, then he is a fool.” Leliana spoke firmly, wanting to ensure that what she said was taken to heart.

Josephine rested her head on Leliana’s shoulder, and they sat in silence. As she felt her shoulder begin to shake, she realized that Josephine was crying. Leliana tightened her grip around her friend and rested her cheek on her hair. The spymaster was usually not one to be easily unsettled, but now she found herself struggling to keep herself composed; Josephine was one of her very few remaining friends and she only wished to protect her from the pain the world held.

For now, Leliana’s focus was on consoling Josephine — but she had not forgotten her warning to the Inquisitor.

* * *

The Inquisitor sat on the edge of his bed, holding his face in his shaking hands. He attempted to steady his breathing, but it continued to catch repeatedly. His mind was spinning; he had thought he had become better at dealing with these sudden rushes of panic in the past few years, but now he couldn’t cease the violent tremors that coursed through his body. Wrapping his arms around his stomach, he tried to will away the feelings of nausea and suffocation.

The sound of Josephine’s voice breaking as she left rang through Caden’s head, and the pressure in his chest deepened. How could he do this to her? He never meant to hurt her, to make her feel unwanted. He loved Josephine with everything he had, and he wanted to give her all that he was able to, all she could ever want. Yet… he just couldn’t figure out how to give all of himself to her. He knew that he had no choice but to explain himself, to tell the complete truth; his reasons, his desires… his choices. He couldn’t imagine a way to justify himself to her. He didn’t regret anything he had done, but he couldn’t predict how she would react once he told her what he needed to.

* * *

As the sun peaked over the Frostback mountains, the Inquisitor pushed the thick ram’s wool quilt off himself and ran a tired hand over his face. For one peaceful moment, he forgot about the past night’s events. Only for a moment. He wasn’t sure of what time he had finally fallen asleep, but he knew it must have been very late. The nausea had subsided while he slept, but the tightness in his chest remained. With great effort, Caden managed to get out of bed.  
Now that he was up, he pondered what to do next. He had no clue. Even if Josephine was already awake, he doubted she would want to talk to him. He decided to head to the kitchens; perhaps having something to eat would help clear his head.

* * *

As Caden walked back up the kitchens stairwell with a sandwich, he hesitated at the top outside the door to Josephine’s office. Normally, he would go into her office without a second thought, ready to greet her with a warm smile and kiss. Now, he felt nausea return at the thought of opening the door.

When he turned back towards the door leading into the main hall, he was met with a pair of enraged blue eyes. A loud clank resounded through the hall as his sandwich was knocked from his hand and before he could react, he was slammed against the wall. He suddenly felt the coolness of steel pressed against his throat.

“How _dare_ you?” the attacker hissed, her face merely inches from his own.

“Leliana!” Caden gasped. He tried to break free, but she had him completely pinned.

“I told you not to hurt her! I told you that she was not here to be toyed with, and you swore you had no ill intentions. Yet you went ahead and hurt her anyways. I _warned_ you.” Leliana spat the words out through her teeth, twisting the knife upwards so that the blade rested underneath his jaw. It bit into his skin, just enough to draw a drop of blood.

Fear shot through the Inquisitor’s chest like an arrow. “Leliana, please! I didn’t mean to upset her, I—,” he tried to ease her anger, but she scoffed and cut him off.

“I don’t care what you meant to do! Josephine cried herself to sleep last night; she actually believes that what happened between you two was her own fault. I have very few people left in this world who mean as much to me as Josephine does, Inquisitor. I would allow the Maker himself to damn me before I would allow you to hurt her without consequence.”

The fury in her eyes was undeniable; Caden knew she meant every word.

The Inquisitor tried again to defend himself, desperate for her to remove the knife. “I deserve this, I know I do. I swear I would never intend to hurt Josephine, but I did anyways, and I don’t even know how to explain how sorry I am. It _kills_ me to see her upset like this. Please, it was all a misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding?” Leliana repeated incredulously. “Is that so? What could Josephine have misunderstood so immensely?”

“I… I can’t tell you,” Caden choked out, another arrow of fear piercing his chest when he saw Leliana’s eyes flare. “But I promise I’ll talk to her! Let me go and I’ll head into her office right now,” he bargained, struggling to keep himself from pleading.

Leliana narrowed her eyes, increasing the pressure of her arm where it crossed his chest, causing the chipped stone wall to dig into his back.

She growled, “Do you honestly believe me to be such a fool that I would so easily dismiss your indiscretion for an empty promise?”

He couldn’t take this anymore; the Inquisitor didn’t need Leliana to tell him how much of a mistake he had made, and he certainly didn’t need to explain himself to her. The only person who deserved an explanation was Josephine.

“If I was not completely invested in Josephine, I would not have started a relationship with her to begin with. If I was not utterly devoted to her happiness and wellbeing, I would not have dueled a lord for her hand! I _know_ that I fucked up, and the only person who I need to speak to about it is Josephine! So would you please just let me do that?” Caden didn’t realize that he was nearly shouting. He could feel Leliana hesitate briefly, pulling the knife back ever so slightly. Her eyes appeared contemplative for a fleeting moment, followed again by fire. When she spoke, she was more measured.

“I suppose Josie would be rather… displeased if I punished you without due explanation. But she is not in her office; I discouraged her from continuing with her duties while so upset. I will send her to your quarters to speak with you,” she paused, leaning her face ever so slightly closer before continuing, “but take note, Inquisitor: if you are not able to satisfy Josephine with your explanation, I will not show such restraint next time.”

With that, Leliana vanished into the main hallway, leaving the Inquisitor breathless and quaking against the cold stone wall. 

* * *

Caden stood on his balcony, gazing out at the Frostback mountains. He gripped the railing, both to keep his hands from shaking and his legs from giving way beneath him. Rubbing his neck where Leliana’s blade had left a mark, he thought of her warning. He could only pray that he would indeed be able to satisfy Josephine with his explanation. His stomach clenched at the thought; what if she rejects him? What if she is as appalled as he’d convinced himself she would be? He didn’t know what he would do if she decided to leave him. While he missed his life before the conclave, he knew he would never be able to go back to the way things were before; too much had happened and so much had changed. Without Josephine, he could return to his clan, but he knew it would never feel the same.

The Inquisitor’s worrying was interrupted by the soft sound of flats padding against the stone floor. He turned, bracing himself against the railing. As Josephine stepped slowly into the sunlight, the golden ruffled silk surrounding her gleamed and the amber of her eyes shone brighter. As Caden admired her he realized that she would always own his heart, regardless of how this conversation went. He wouldn’t be able to forget the sense of belonging that he feels with her.

His heart pounded violently as Josephine lifted her eyes to meet his, while his hands burned with sweat against the railing. He realized that he had been staring at her silently for a few moments too long.

“Hi Josie,” he managed to force out with a nervous smile. He wanted so desperately to reach out to her, to wrap her in his arms and tell her how incredibly sorry he was, but he tightened his grip on the railing behind him instead.

“Hello Inquisitor,” she replied, her voice soft yet distant. Caden tried not to wince; she knew he preferred her to use his name. ‘Inquisitor’ felt too formal and stilted to him when said by his lover.

He pushed past it, continuing, “I’ll be honest, I was afraid you wouldn’t come… I wouldn’t blame you, after how I treated you last night.”

“I actually thought you wouldn’t want to see me today, but Leliana encouraged me to meet with you. I apologize if she is making you do this,” Josephine replied, dropping her eyes to her hands.

“No, no! Not at all! I want to — need to — explain myself. Leliana and I did… have a conversation, but this isn’t her doing.” He paused, trying to decide if he wanted to inquire about what Leliana had told him. “Leliana told me that you feel responsible for what happened last night… is that true?”

Josephine tensed for a moment then nodded, still looking at her hands rather than meeting Caden’s eyes. He stepped forward and took her hands in his own, gently rubbing his thumbs across the back of her hands.

“Josie, why would you think that? I was the one who left you alone on the couch without an honest explanation. I was the one who made you upset enough to leave. What about that is your fault?”

Finally, Josephine met his gaze. He was stunned to see a sharpness, a defensiveness he hadn’t expected. When she spoke, her tone mirrored her eyes.

“Please, stop. You don’t have to put on an air of naivete for my sake. I’m not ignorant of my shortcomings. I understand that I misjudged your desires, and that is my own fault. I don’t blame you for simply reaffirming what I already knew, but please… you don’t need to make this any more difficult to deal with.”

Caden had been hoping for clarity, but now he was even more lost.

“Your shortcomings?” he inquired. “What do you mean?”

For a moment, Josephine felt ready to explode. Her heartache had transformed into anger; why must he play such awful games with her heart? Did she really need to spell it all out for him?

As Josephine fumed to herself, she realized that maybe he _did_ need her to spell it out. Perhaps his understanding of the situation was far different from her own.

With a short sigh, she explained, “You turned me away last night because you do not find me… desirable, correct?”

Caden stood, frozen; it took a moment for him to process what Josephine had just suggested. Once he had, he couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. All of those dates in the garden where he struggled to keep his hands from wandering too low, those goodnight kisses that wavered on the brink of becoming something more, the many War Table meetings spent distracted by the thought of laying Josephine across it and— Caden willed himself back to reality. He couldn’t believe what she was saying.

He let one small, tear-choked laugh slip before answering. “Josie… that is not what I was expecting.” He squeezed her hands gently before lifting one hand to cup her face. “That is not at all, in any way, the reason behind my behavior last night. I am so, so sorry for making you feel as though it was. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I knew as soon as I left you alone on the couch that I had. I am… unbelievably attracted to you, Josephine. So much so, that I often find it difficult to focus on anything else. You absolutely captivate me, in every way.” He spoke with resolution, determined to erase any uncertainty from his lover’s mind.

Josephine warred between confusion and relief as she listened to what he had to say. She had convinced herself so thoroughly of why he had rejected her; now, she felt a thick wave of embarrassment roll over her as she realized how wrong she had been. Oh Maker, she had spoken to Leliana about it, portrayed the situation as something it apparently was not. She prayed that her friend hadn’t done anything too regrettable.

“Then why were you so shaken? If it was not my fault, what was wrong?” she asked, desperate to make sense of it all.

Caden tensed as he realized that it was now, finally, time to explain himself. There would be no going back from here. He let go of her hand and moved back to the railing, leaning his back against it for support yet again. For a moment he appreciated how they were right then; together under the warm Ferelden sun, vulnerable and desperate.

Then he took a shuddering breath and began.

“I behaved that way last night because I was afraid of how you would react when… when you saw me.”

Josephine looked quizzical, then cracked a small, faintly amused grin. “You were afraid that I would be the one to find _you_ unattractive? How ironic.”

Caden let out a strangled chuckle. “Well, kind of, but not quite. What I mean is—” he paused, the words catching in his throat, “I wasn’t born a man. It’s not obvious, until you see all of me. I didn’t know how you would react, and I didn’t want you to find out that way.”

He had so much more to say, but he let his announcement hang in the air with bated breath while he searched Josephine’s face for signs of disgust; a grimace, a furrowed brow, a curled lip. Yet all he saw were slightly parted lips and wide eyes: shock.

“So, you are like Lieutenant Aclassi?” Josephine asked.

Caden gave a small smile at that; it wasn’t an immediate rejection, and showed that she understood.

“Yes, it does seem that Krem and I share a similar situation. However, I — as far as I can tell — have made physical changes that he hasn’t.” Caden crosses his arms before continuing, more in defense than hostility. “I’m not really sure where to begin, Josie. I haven’t talked about this with anyone other than the members of my clan. I want you to understand who I am and why, so I will try to make sense. Just, please hear me out before you decide anything.”

Josephine looked as though she wanted to respond, but stopped herself and nodded, encouraging him to continue.

“When I was young, I didn’t mind being called a girl. It was a normal part of my life, not anything I thought too much about. Yet as I got older, I began feeling more and more uncomfortable with my body, my given name, and every time someone called me ‘she’ it felt like they were doing it to spite me. Which I suppose makes no sense, but that’s how it felt. By the time I was fifteen, I couldn’t look at myself without wanting to throw up. Looking down and seeing my chest made me hate myself. Hearing my own voice made me cringe. It eventually got so bad that I would avoid speaking unless I absolutely had to. I would wear too many layers trying to flatten the appearance of my chest. I stopped spending time with my friends because I couldn’t bear to hear them use my given name. It was an incredibly lonely way to live. My state of mind was… quite dark. The clan was concerned, of course. I had been a fairly social kid before secluding myself. I lived that way for three years before I finally realized what the answer was. When I was eighteen, I told my clan that I was a man and wanted to change my name.”

Caden closed his eyes and thought back to the day he came out to his clan. He could see them all in front of him, faces crinkled with thought, soft and open, some unreadable. He pictured his mother as she stood at his side, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He had told her first, before anyone else in the clan. She hardly batted an eye when he told her; she loved him completely, as a daughter or a son. Her acceptance was all Caden had ever needed. After that, he had the confidence to tell the rest of his clan.

“They all accepted me, thank the gods. I wasn’t harming the wellbeing of the clan in any way, and they finally had a reason for my strange behavior, so they didn’t mind. They were happy for me. If they hadn’t accepted me, I honestly don’t think I would be here today. I thank Mythal every day for their love.”

Caden felt a rush of longing he hadn’t allowed to surface since the Inquisition began. “I miss them. I miss the simplicity of my life with them, I miss not having to hide away such an essential part of myself.”

He sighed. “After that, I was able to socialize with my clan again. The hatred I felt towards my body was still incredibly painful, but it was made easier once I was treated as the man that I am.”

Josephine was quiet as he spoke, taking everything in stride. Her expression was attentive, and much like the gentler ones he saw from his own clan. She had clasped her hands together in the absence of his own, and although he wanted to take them back, he refrained. This part of his story would undoubtedly be the most difficult.

“When I turned 20, I decided that I could no longer live with my body how it was. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I knew I needed to change somehow. I would bind my chest with spare cloth and bands of leather, but that left me with bruises, aches, and the occasional cracked rib,” Caden said, incredibly grateful that he no longer needed to go to such painful lengths to feel comfortable with himself. “The gods must have been looking out for me, because an answer to my prayers came along later that year. One night, my clan was disturbed by a lone wanderer looking for a place to rest. He was a mage fleeing Kirkwall; Knight-Commander Meredith’s control over the city had become terrifyingly oppressive. Keeper Deshanna was apprehensive at first, but we let him stay. He was only supposed to stay for one night, but that turned into nearly a month. He was a kind man, and he was rather good at keeping the children entertained. We all liked him well enough, and we didn’t mind having him there — it was always going to be temporary, but there was no particular rush.”

Caden smiled fondly to himself as he remembered the mage. He had truly been such a gentle soul, the clan had taken kindly to him in no time.

“His name was Aldous, and he’s still the best storyteller I’ve ever met. One day after telling me a story from his childhood, he asked me about myself. He wasn’t looking to pry, he seemed genuinely interested in my story. I trusted him, so I told him that I was trying to find a way to transition physically. He didn’t say much at first, but later that night he found me and told me that he could help. He told me that he was a blood mage.”

Caden saw Josephine’s hand shoot to her mouth in shock as she gasped. She dropped her hand a moment later, as if ashamed of her reaction. He had anticipated a negative response; most people outside of Tevinter consider blood magic to be an inherent evil. When she didn’t say anything, he continued.

“I was shocked, when he told me. I had never met a blood mage before, and honestly didn’t know much about the practice. But I was desperate and I trusted Aldous, so we spoke with Keeper Deshanna — I would never do something so risky and questionable without the Keeper’s permission — and surprisingly, she gave us her blessing. I think she agreed only because she didn’t want to lose me to the darkness in my own mind. She didn’t want me to turn back into that lost, lonely kid I once was. So, Aldous and I found a secluded place a mile or so out of camp, and he did what he promised: he changed me. Using his own blood with mine, he altered the way my body functioned from the inside. I don’t know exactly how or why it worked, but my entire body changed; my voice deepened, my face became slimmer and more defined, and the fat and muscle on my body shifted. Flattening my chest was a separate process, and it took more time. I was terrified the entire time, but when I saw myself afterwards…” Caden smiled and shook his head, still in disbelief of his own transition. “When I saw myself, I couldn’t believe it. I remember laughing, loud and giddy. I cried for hours afterwards, unable to process the fact that I was actually who I wanted to be. I was _comfortable_ , Josie. I was _happy_ with myself. Those were feelings I never thought I’d actually be able to experience. Thanks to Aldous, I could. I owe him my life, and I’ll always be grateful for him.”

Caden’s smile faded a bit, and his eyes fell. “Unfortunately, Aldous had to leave after that. He didn’t feel safe in one place for too long, especially after performing blood magic. It was hard to see him go, but it was for the best. I just hope that he’s alive and well, wherever he is.”

As Caden finished telling his story, he could feel his entire body shaking. He wanted to feel relieved for finally telling someone, but he couldn’t relax until he knew how Josephine felt about it all. Looking back up at her, he made his final statement.

“I know this must be a lot to take in and I understand if you need some time to process it all. I’ll understand if you want to end our relationship, but I will not apologize for what I’ve been through and the choices I’ve made to get to this point. I will not apologize for doing what needed to be done to become who I needed to be,” Caden said firmly.

He watched Josephine carefully, waiting for her reaction. He braced himself, preparing for her to turn him away, for her to curse him or even yell. Instead, she quickly closed the distance between them and brushed tears from his cheek. He hadn’t even realized he was crying.

“Oh, my love,” Josephine whispered, tears shining in her eyes as well. “Of course you don’t have to apologize; you have nothing to be sorry for.” She brushed her lips against his, kissing him lightly. “I _love_ you, just as you are. You thought I would be upset over this?”

“I thought… I just assumed…” Caden said.

“Hush, come sit,” Josephine said. She grabbed the Inquisitor’s hand and led him to the couch inside his room. “ _Mi alma_ , it would take a great deal more than this for me to be displeased with you. I would not have been upset last night, had we continued. Surprised, yes, but not upset. This doesn’t change the way I see you, nor how much I care for you. It makes no difference to me what kind of body you have, or who you were before we met. What matters to me is who you are now, and you, my darling, are one of the kindest, bravest, most sincere and selfless people I have ever met. That’s all that matters to me. As for the magic you’ve used, I do not care. It’s the reason you’re here with me now, so I am thankful for it.”

Caden stared back at her in utter disbelief. “Truly? You aren’t at all upset by this—not even by the blood magic?”

“Yes, truly. We’ve all made difficult decisions in our lives, and who am I to judge you for something I have no experience with? I am just pleased to have clarity regarding what happened.” Josephine stifled a laugh as her lover’s face brightened and a stunning smile spread across his features.

“You, Josephine Montilyet, never cease to amaze me,” Caden said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.

Josephine buried her face against the crook of his neck, returning the embrace. He had a solid earthy smell from his time spent gardening, touched with traces of Josephine’s lilac perfume.

“You are shaking, my love,” Josephine said several moments later, pulling back just enough to meet his eyes. It was only then that she noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes, the weariness resting deep beneath a veil of relief. She felt her heart sink, regret and guilt crushing over her. This man, the leader of the Inquisition, already had so many obligations and worries; the last thing he had needed was for her to add their relationship to his list of concerns. Maker, she’d been so foolish.

“I’ve been,” Caden sighed, “a little on edge since last night. I haven’t been able to truly breathe until now.”

Josephine felt her eyes grow wet and she squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done this to you. You didn’t need me to trouble you like this. I feel so ridiculous for behaving the way I did,” she said, voice bubbling with oncoming tears.

“Josie, it’s okay,” the elf reassured her, smiling softly and leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. “I should have just explained myself at the time, instead of panicking and making you feel unwanted. If I had done that, I imagine that our night would have gone in a much more pleasant direction.”

Josephine smirked. “Indeed, it certainly would have.” She reached up to cup his face, brushing her fingers along his jawline. Caden flinched as her fingers trailed beneath his jaw, and Josephine pulled her hand away.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, panicked that she had yet again touched him in a way he was not comfortable with. She then noticed a flush red mark where his neck reached his jaw, skin sliced yet no longer bleeding. It took only a moment for her to realize what this was, and what that meant. She felt her chest grow tight and her jaw clench.

“Is this from a blade? Did Leliana do this to you? You said you spoke with her—and this is what she did? Oh, she is unbelievable! When I speak to her, I swear—”

“No, no, it’s alright Josie! I’m not upset with her; she cares about you and I had hurt you. I understand the value in protecting friends. She frightened me, but I promise I’m okay,” Caden reassured her, cupping her face. “I deserved a stern talking to,” he said with a smirk. “I’m just so relieved that you’re not upset with me. I would rather face Leliana’s wrath a thousand times than lose you.”

He leaned in, pressing soft kisses across her forehead, tracing them down her nose and across her cheekbones. He felt the tension slowly slip from her body as he did so, and finally ended at her lips.

Josephine leaned back, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You were never in any danger of losing me, my love. Leliana, on the other hand, _is_ in danger.”

Caden chuckled. “Perhaps you should go speak with her; she only had your best interests in mind.”

The ambassador sighed and rose from the couch. “I know that’s true, but I’m frustrated nonetheless. I can’t let her pull a knife on you; that’s unacceptable!” She took a breath to steady herself. “I have letters to write after I speak with Leliana, but could we have dinner together? Some peaceful time alone sounds wonderful after all of this.”

“Absolutely,” Caden replied, pulling her hand to his lips to brush them across her knuckles, “I shall see you for dinner, then. In here?”

Josephine nodded in agreement. “Perfect.”

Caden watched her leave, waiting until he heard the door close before flopping face down onto the couch.

_Oh Mythal, what have I done to deserve Josephine Montilyet? Thank you, thank you, thank you._

 

* * *

As the sun set to rest behind the Frostback Mountains, Caden made the final adjustments to the impromptu dinner table set up in his quarters. Flickering candles stood among bowls of warm stew and bottles of Antivan wine. He knew that Ferelden stew was far from Josephine’s favorite dish, but he hoped to make up for it with the wine. Caden smiled as he thought of how Josephine would slip spices into her food when she thought no one was looking, grumbling about the ‘lack of imagination’ that Ferelden's have with their cooking.

As he finished lighting the final candle, he heard footsteps ascending the staircase behind him. He waved out the match and turned to face his lover, immediately wishing he had found a nicer outfit than his standard Skyhold uniform. Josephine donned a russet orange silk dress that flowed loosely over her figure, with a deep blue belt that hugged her hips just enough to catch Caden’s eye. The scooped neckline showed off the dusting of freckles along her collarbone, and her hair fell in dark waves down across her shoulders. She also wore a deep blue satin necklace with a charm hanging in the center.

“You look lovely,” he said, pulling out a chair for her. “As you always do.”

“You’re too sweet,” Josephine replied, kissing his cheek before sitting.

As she took her seat, Caden noticed that the charm was one he had found for her on a trip to Redcliffe; it was a piece of iron cut into a heart and embroidered with small decorative gems.

“I haven’t seen you wear that necklace charm before, I figured you didn’t like it but didn’t want to tell me,” he teased, filling their glasses with wine.

“Oh, darling, no! It’s a lovely charm, I was just trying to keep it for a special occasion. I wanted to wear it to the Winter Palace, but those garish uniforms made it impossible,” Josephine hastened to reassure him.

“So you consider our dinner to be a special occasion?”

“Perhaps not the dinner itself,” she said as she made a slight face at the stew, causing Caden to chuckle, “but yes, today has been quite special.”

As the sun set below the mountains, Caden told stories from his childhood that he had been too uncertain to share before, but now regaled with gusto. As Josephine laughed at his tales, a joyous warmth settled in his chest.

“How was your conversation with Leliana?” Caden asked, dipping bread into the remains of his stew. “I hope you weren’t too hard on her.”

Josephine gave a short huff, thick with annoyance for her friend. “I made it clear that pulling a knife on you was unacceptable, and she is never to harm you again. I appreciate her concern, but I am capable of handling my own problems. As much as I love Leliana, I wish she wouldn’t interfere with my life so often.”

Caden smirked, remembering the day Leliana summoned him to the rookery only to threaten him for his interest in Josephine. “Though you must admit that if Leliana never interfered with your life, we would likely still be flirting like fools, oblivious to each other’s feelings.”

Josephine laughed brightly then, reaching over to take his hand in her own. “I suppose you are right on that account.” She stared down at their hands for a moment, lost in thought, rubbing her thumb across his rough knuckles. “I have some more questions for you, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, ask away.”

“You mentioned earlier that Aldous used blood magic to change your body. Did that process hurt?”

“Oh gods yes, it felt as though my entire body was on fire. It was a slow, agonizing process, but Aldous did his best to keep the pain at bay. He had to do it at a slow, steady pace so that he wouldn’t lose control of it and kill me. The pain was the main reason why I asked him to stop after my chest; I didn’t need him to change anything else in order for me to present as a man to the world, so I decided to forgo any more pain and end it there,” Caden explained, nearly wincing as he recalled the excruciating process of his transition.

“Oh goodness, that sounds horrible,” Josephine gasped, squeezing his hand, “you’re very brave for going through such a thing.”

Caden’s face reddened at the compliment. “Thank you. I’d do it again if I had to.”

Josephine met his gaze, hesitant. “I was also wondering—not that it matters, but just out of simple curiosity—what your name was before? And how you chose your new name?”

Caden grimaced slightly. “I’d, uh, rather not share my birth name. It’s not relevant to who I am anymore and it makes me uncomfortable,” he said, noting the apology in Josephine’s eyes. “As for how I chose the name Caden, well, my mother had heard it once in Tantervale while negotiating trade for the clan years before I was born. She told me that she would have used it had I been born a boy, so when I came out to the clan, that’s what I chose to go by. It made her happy and I like it, so it was perfect.”

“Caden is a lovely name, you chose well,” Josephine replied. She finished her glass of wine and moved around the table, placing herself on Caden’s lap. He reached up to toy with a thick black lock that fell down the front of her shoulder, wrapping it loosely around his finger.

“You know, I absolutely adore it when you wear your hair down. It somehow makes you even more beautiful, if that’s possible.”

Josephine giggled, “You are too much.” She reached around to brush her fingers against his own hair, pulled up in his usual bun. “Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?”

“Well, it always manages to get in my way when I’m trying to work or fight; I can’t stop a blade I can’t see coming. Aside from that, I’ve always been nervous about looking like a woman with my hair down. I love my long hair, but I only wear it down in private, mainly for that reason.”

Josephine played with his bun contemplatively. “Are you comfortable enough to wear it down now?”

Caden smiled, pressing a kiss to her neck. “With you? Always.”

“Would you mind if I…?”

“Go ahead, _ma vhenan_.”

Josephine tilted her head, eyebrows furrowed.

“My heart,” he smiled.

“Oh,” Josephine blushed and kissed his forehead.

She carefully untied his bun, running her fingers through his hair as it fell to his shoulders. He relaxed into her touch, the feeling of her hands within his hair soothing him. She leaned in, kissing him deeply. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She sighed as his hands wandered, resting on her hips and squeezing lightly. He bit her bottom lip, eliciting a quiet gasp.

“May we try again, my love?” Josephine whispered against his lips.

Caden answered by lifting her from their seat and carrying her to the bed.


End file.
